How to be interesting to anyone

Posted by Doug on November 12, 2008

In your line of work, whatever it may be, you probably have to deal with people.  Whether you’re a programmer, or a Web developer, or a photographer, or a graphic designer, or a tax accountant or whatever, at some point you have to interface with other human beings at some level, and unless you are a total sociopath, you probably want to be able to do this successfully to be successful in your business.  No matter what your business is, you will find more of it if you are interesting.  Even if your conversations with people are about the most mundane things imaginable, you will be more successful if people come away from their time with you feeling that you are an interesting person.

You know this, intuitively, even if you’ve never really thought much about it.  There are certain people you dread being with, perhaps for a variety of reasons, but the people that you really love to be with are the ones who, for whatever reason, are interesting.  I would suggest that we tend to be most interested in the people who are most interested in us.  So please permit me to make just one simple suggestion, and if you agree with me, you can stop reading after the next sentence.  If you want to be interesting to other people, be interested in other people.

Haven’t you been in a conversation that seemed so one-sided that you began to wonder whether the other person would even notice if you said something like, “Oh yes, I’m obsequious, purple and clairvoyant?” (Apologies to Steve Martin.)  I once listened as my lovely wife had that kind of conversation with another woman (let’s call her “Maggie”):

Maggie:  …So I told him, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…”

My wife:  Really?  I think I’m radioactive.

Maggie:  …but I guess I’ll have to just go blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…

My wife:  No, seriously, I think my thumbs are beginning to glow in the dark.

Maggie:  …so I’ll probably never get blah, blah, blah, blah…

(Okay, it didn’t really go exactly like that, but you get the idea.)

Those sorts of people aren’t interesting to us because they aren’t interested in us.  If you want to be interesting to someone else, be interested in that person.  This isn’t the same thing as being nosy or prying–it simply means that you try to express a genuine interest in what they think.  You ask questions, you try to learn more about what makes that person tick, and you try to get to know that person for who they are.  To put it quite simply, you care about that other person, not just because he or she is a client or a potential client, but because he or she is a human being and you are in relationship with him or her at some level, even if it is only a professional or business relationship.

When you are interested in another person, you become more interesting to that other person.  When you make an effort to get to know someone else in this way, most of the time that person will want to get to know you, as well.

I’m not a gifted conversationalist–I’m naturally shy, I am often intimidated by people who seem smarter or more successful than me, and I tend to stumble on words when I’m speaking with people I don’t know well.  But I have learned that those conversations are much easier (and much more rewarding) when I simply ask questions about the other person’s life, about what interests them, or about what they think about this or that.  Once in a while I find myself on the receiving end of a one-sided conversation with a boring windbag, but usually that other person becomes interested in what I have to say, as well.  In many cases, a casual conversation like that has led to a genuine friendship.

Authenticity is the key here.  If that other person perceives that you’re just trying to gather information that you’re going to enter into a contact manager program later on, or that you’re prying, or just trying to figure out how to sell your services to them, forget it.  People want to know that you are interested in more than simply getting their business, and the only way you can pull that off is if it’s true.

If you want to be more interesting, be more interested.  I’m betting you’ll see it works.